There’s something about the tween years—around 9 to 12 years old—that hits girls hard. One minute they’re loud, creative, full of opinions and ideas... and the next? They're shrinking into themselves, second-guessing everything, and worrying way too much about what everyone else thinks.

If it feels like confidence takes a nosedive during these years, it’s because it often does. This stage of life is a turning point, and what happens here can echo well into the teen years and beyond.

Let’s talk about why this happens—and what we can do about it.

So, What’s Going On in These Years?

Between ages 9 and 12, girls are going through a lot—mentally, emotionally, socially, physically. It’s like a perfect storm of pressure, and most of it is invisible to the grown-ups around them.

Here are a few big things that start to pile up:

1. Overscheduling

We all want our kids to have opportunities. But ballet on Monday, soccer on Tuesday, tutoring on Wednesday, piano Thursday... it adds up. Constantly bouncing from one activity to the next can make girls feel like they always have to be on—no downtime, no room for mistakes. Just go, go, go.

2. Perfectionism

This is a big one. Girls this age start believing they have to get everything right—to be the perfect student, the perfect friend, even the perfect kid. They’re afraid to mess up, afraid to disappoint. And when perfection feels impossible (because it is), confidence takes a hit.

3. Social Media (Even If They’re “Not On It Yet”)

Even if your 10-year-old doesn’t have a phone, she’s probably seeing TikToks, Instagram reels, or YouTube videos through friends or older siblings. And let’s be honest—most of what she’s seeing is filtered, curated, and full of unrealistic beauty standards and “perfect” lives. It sets up this constant comparison game that no one wins.

4. Friendship Drama

Friendships get way more intense during these years. There’s more emotion, more drama, and more pressure to fit in. Girls can start twisting themselves into knots trying to stay liked, and when friendships shift or fall apart, it can feel like the end of the world.

What Can We Do? (Hint: A Lot)

Here’s the good news: these years are also a prime time to build girls up. A little awareness and a few intentional moves from the adults in their lives can make a huge difference.

Talk About Effort Over Results

Let them know it’s not about being the best—it’s about showing up, trying, learning. Praise the process, not the perfection. Instead of “You’re so smart,” try “I love how you stuck with that even when it was hard.”

Make Space for Nothing

Unstructured time is magic. Girls need space to be creative, daydream, or just be. If their whole week is booked, consider dropping an activity—or building in a “nothing afternoon.”

Help Them See Behind the Curtain

Teach them that what they see online isn’t always real. Show them how filters work. Talk about how people post highlights, not real life. Ask questions like, “How does that post make you feel?” and “What do you think’s going on behind the scenes?”

Let Them See You Be Human

If you mess up, say so. If you’re overwhelmed, admit it. When girls see the adults they trust owning their imperfections with grace, they learn it’s okay to be human.

Talk About Friendships Like Skills

Help them understand that good friendships take effort and boundaries. Talk through tricky situations. Role-play responses. Remind them they deserve friends who treat them with respect—and that it’s okay to walk away from the ones who don’t.

Create Brave Classrooms

For teachers: build classroom cultures where making mistakes is part of the process. Let every girl know her voice matters. Highlight strengths that go beyond academics—like kindness, creativity, and courage.

TL;DR

The tween years don’t have to break girls down. In fact, they can be the years that build them up. With love, support, and a little strategy, we can help girls grow into strong, self-assured teens who know they’re more than good enough just as they are.

Let’s meet them where they are—and remind them how powerful they’ve always been.

Ages 9–12: The Make-or-Break Years for Girls’ Confidence—and How We Can Help